Ignoring Judgements

Human behavior is complex, very complex. It may take a century before we can break it down to understand individual components that play various roles in shaping it. But we dont want to deal with this complexity, we want to know definitive answers. We want to judge people quickly and frequently care about their judgements on us. This is no doubt useful sometimes(it was useful and thats why got selected by natural selection). Judgement can sometimes help people reflect on their behavior and then make changes accordingly. But some of the most important questions that we keep neglecting are where is that judgement coming from ? Is it worth paying attention to each and every judgement that is thrown at us ? This small essay will try to make a case for why its important to cope with these questions before taking any judgement seriously. I will also touch on usefulness of some criticism on our own character.

Almost all of us want to act like a ‘good’ person. There are a few people in our lives that we deeply care about. Almost all of us want to come across as a caring and loving person to those loved ones. But its very hard to consistently keep up with that. People who are close to us start expecting various behaviors which we might not conform to. This is how evolution has made us. True unselfish nature is impossible. Parents want their kids to act in a certain way even when they are big enough to make their own decisions. Same thing happens between lovers or good friends. Its so natural to love someone deeply and then get unsettled if that dear starts going in an unknown or aversive territory. This fear arises either due to insecurity of losing(mostly not death) that person or due to a perceived harm in future. Many a times these fears and anxieties make sense, especially when the loved is not an adult and possibly incapable of making rational decisions. Then there are cases when adult loved ones start getting lured into things that are known to cause harm in future for example gambling, drugs like heroine or cocaine, fundamentalist cults etc. These are sort of modern forms of dangerous things that our ancestors dealt with. Those who got worried and anxious actually did something to stop their loved ones from detroying themselves. So its obvious why such emotions are useful(they originated for survival reasons).

But then their are cases(increasingly nowadays) where such fear is uncalled for. Socities have evolved and so have our customs. We dont live in dangerous forests anymore, we have a much better life expectancy and hence less things to worry about when it comes to our survival. But these emotions stayed. It took millions of years to hardwire them. Hence, there are millions of cases now everyday when people throw out frustration, anger, anxiety on trivial things. And since we love these people, naturally its hard for us to ignore these emotions.

Once you break all this down, you realize that people who are judging you are not in their control, they cant help it because they ‘love’ and care for you. Their brains are acting as if the environment has not changed and we are still in savannas full of dangerous predators. Similarly, you also become conscious of the fact that your brain is responding in a natural way too. You start taking their irrational fears or criticism seriously because of the tone and facial expressions with which they are displayed (If the same judgment or dissaproval is made without much expressions, its easier to listen to the content).

So then, what is the way out ? Once you know all this, how do you go ahead and start ignoring the useless judgments ?

I dont think I have a perfect answer for this. I dont believe there can be a perfect answer. Everyone’s brain is hardwired in a different way and what works for some, might not work for others. Here are a few suggestions though ….

First, lets stop paying attention to the voice or facial expressions of these people if we can and lets focus only on the content. This can be tough especially when you have done the same for years but with practice its achievable. Meditation on any one thing, even if its an object in your room can be part of this practice. Another example, during your drive to office, close your thought process and pay attention only to the act of driving(this is especially challenging if you are well aware of the way to your destination). I have noticed many times getting lost in thought on my way to office and then suddenly realising that I have reached.

Secondly, lets accept the fact that we might be wrong. Never take your opinions too seriously and be ready for updating each and every opinion with new data. Our beliefs do define us sometimes but if those beliefs never change with contradicting data, no evolution of your character can happen. There can be no true happiness in life without constant learning from failures. Personally, I get a kick by realizing “Oh, I was wrong all this while ! Let me update my processor(who doesnt like an updated version of an operating system)” No ego, nothing. Life is not a debate contest.

Thirdly, empathize with people who are making these incorrect judgements or experiencing irrational fears. Try to correct them if they are willing to listen but if not, understand that they are victims of these emotions(as mentioned above). To be sure, there is a difference between empathizing with a point of view and agreeing with it. Their emotionally hijacked mind is incapable of viewing the situation in an unbiased or neutral way and hence no point in convincing and then waiting for approval. “I am sorry you feel this way but I have sincerely thought about XYZ and this is what I am going to do.” Maybe you will have to detach in some circumstances but I dont see any harm in detaching with a person who has been hijacked by her emotions, that person doesnt really ‘love’ me at that moment.

Its sad that art of ignoring doesnt come naturally, but surely we have the tools and mental plasticity to learn it and make it natural. Hopefully, the above suggestions will help you in tackling with irrational judgements and dissapprovals from the loved ones. I will end with this quote :

“We find it hard to apply the knowledge of ourselves to our judgment of others. The fact that we are never of one kind, that we never love without reservations and never hate with all our being cannot prevent us from seeing others as wholly black or white." “